Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
