he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize