Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
