remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
