her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
