Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
