i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
