Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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