Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
