i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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