tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
