4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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