first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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