I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
