i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
