Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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