I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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