hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I smell like Dick and happiness
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
