I just threw up on my dentist
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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