Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
BRING THE BAGELS
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
