She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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