I'm lost and stupid without you.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
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So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
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they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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