I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
