He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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