...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
