so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
