Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
