Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
