i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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