I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
