first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
