Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
