if you like me you must not know who I am
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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