I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
