Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
