you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
