You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Randomize
