the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
