OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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