According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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