I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
