Umm I'm too high to move.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
