why didn't you poke me back
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
