our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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