Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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