just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
