Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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