tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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