you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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