Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just gift wrapped bread.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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