I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My bed smells like the plague
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
