kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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