my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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