it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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