Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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