I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.